The Women Who Live in My Mind

Love, attraction, and desire can be strange, unpredictable things. Sometimes, they linger far beyond reason, attaching themselves to people who may never truly be ours. My love life—or rather, my thoughts about love—feels like a collection of unfinished stories, emotions that never fully settled, and desires that exist only in my mind. I find myself caught between past connections, old crushes, and fleeting attractions, none of which have ever truly come to fruition. It’s a situation that makes me feel a little crazy at times, yet I can’t seem to shake these thoughts.

There’s the older woman, the one I worked with two years ago. She’s married, has kids, and yet she still crosses my mind every single day. But it’s not just nostalgia or admiration—it’s deeper than that. I think about her in a way I probably shouldn’t, imagining scenarios where she’s with me instead of the life she’s built with someone else. I don’t know if it’s the fact that she’s unattainable that makes me want her more, or if it’s just the way she carried herself—mature, confident, effortlessly beautiful. Either way, she’s become an unshakable presence in my mind, even though I know nothing can ever happen.

Then there’s the girl from my childhood, the one I’ve had feelings for since I was 12. She’s from the Philippines, from the same town where my relatives live. We go way back, before we even understood what love or attraction really was. We spent time together when I lived there for a while, and it was then that my feelings started to grow. But life moved on, and when I returned to the States, she became a distant memory—until she wasn’t. Every now and then, she would pop into my mind like a gho st of what could have been. It took me years to find her again on social media, and when I did, the feelings came rushing back. I’d check her profiles, keeping up with her life from a distance, but there was never a real opportunity to reconnect. She has a boyfriend now, so whatever part of me still clings to that childhood connection knows that there’s no room to act on it. Still, when I saw her again in person seven years later, something inside me felt relieved, almost at peace. At least I got to see her again, even if it wasn’t in the way I once imagined. Funny enough, I even had a brief crush on her cousin—something that almost feels like a side note in this long, tangled history of mine.

And then there’s my coworker. She’s also married, also has kids, yet somehow she looks like she’s still 18 despite being 29. She’s stunning—the kind of beauty that could make any guy stop in his tracks. I don’t have deep feelings for her like I do for the other two, but every now and then, my thoughts wander in her direction. There’s just something about her that’s hard to ignore. Maybe it’s her energy, her looks, or just the way she carries herself with effortless charm. I don’t really see myself pursuing her in any way, yet she lingers in my mind from time to time, like a fleeting temptation.

And so, here I am—tied to these women in my mind, despite not being with any of them. It’s a strange feeling, wanting what I can’t have, reminiscing about what never was, and being drawn to the unattainable. Maybe it’s the thrill of the impossible, or maybe it’s just that I haven’t met the right person who’s truly meant to be mine. Whatever the reason, this is my reality—filled with thoughts, desires, and what-ifs, but no real answers. Love, or something like it, is complicated. And for now, I remain stuck in this endless loop of longing.